Suicide Awareness Month - Battling suicidal thoughts my entire life

Today 9/6 is the 11 year anniversary of when my ex-boyfriend committed suicide 3 months after our breakup. It was not my fault. He had demons in him for a long time and he was a binge alcoholic. He had previous attempts which I did not know about until a year into the relationship.

I have battled suicidal thoughts since the age of 8. I am 51 now. A memory I have is trying to cut my wrists with a shaving razor blade. I never went too deep but that memory has stuck with me for a long time.

My next bout was when I was 16 years old. It was after a breakup from my first love. He cheated on me with my friend. It was just a kiss, but I was devastated. My best friend at the time was in the car and she withheld telling me for 3 months. After our breakup, he still remained friends with my 14 month older sister. We both shared the same friends. They all started to exhile me from the group. It hurt....I lost my first love, my friends and my sister and ex were the ring leaders.

I was in severe depression in 2000. I had an unplanned pregnancy and my son was born in 1995. My mother and grandmother wanted me to get married so I did knowing that it was going to end in divorce. I was married, had a toddler and lived in the country outside of Philadelphia, PA in Swedesboro, NJ. I weighed 90lbs, started working remotely and slept a lot. I was very unhappy. I decided to separate and get a divorce. I moved into an apartment in Philadelphia. The divorce was finalized in January 2001.

In 2005, I fell for a person, let's call him DD. We started dating in Philadelphia, PA and then he moved to Cape Cod, MA. I was upset and depressed. We continued long distance dating. I decided to move to Brooklyn, NY in late 2005. I fell into a deep depression after I moved there. I was in bed all the time and only did the basic necessities for my son. Later in 2006, DD moved in with me and we decided to be exclusive. But in 2007, he cheated on me on a trip when he went back home to MA. I was devastated. We resolved things and continued on. In 2008, we moved to Truro, Cape Cod, MA for 6 months. My son was 12 at that time and he fell in love with golf. I decided to return back to this onths. Again, he cheated on me. I went into a depression and medicated myself.

The latest episode is now. I am depressed. I am not looking forward to anything. I have been through so much in my lifetime already. I think the only thing that makes me happy right now is seeing BU and traveling plans. This week is 4 years since I met BU. I had high hopes for him but it all turned into crap over time. I blame this girl Alex M that moved here from San Francisco in May 2020. She actually bought my land in north Joshua Tree and it was signed by a couple I thought but it turned out to be her billionaire CEO dad who is basically funding her. If she didn't move here, then things would have been fine. He did not ask her to move here. She made the choice. She is young 33yo, naive and wants so much to be a social media influencer. If anyone reads this and I decide to leave this world, the death is in her hands. I have never disliked someone as much as her. She is so fake and trying to present a fake persona of herself on social media. She disgusts me as a person.